27 June 2008

Breastfeeding 101

Last Monday I attended a breastfeeding class at LDS Hospital in hopes of learning techniques to ensure that my child will be well-fed and happy. Those of you who don’t have children and probably don’t have siblings with children are saying, “Weird/Eww/Gross, they teach breastfeeding classes?” Yes they do and I can say that after reading the books and going to the class, that it's not something I would have known how to do on my own so thank you IHC for the not-free classes.

I was the only one there that did not bring a support person of some kind. Not about to make Ben go with me to something like that, I didn’t feel bad. In order for him to be supportive, I will teach him things I learned and let him do his fatherly thing but I won’t make him sit through two and a half hours of nipple discussion and practicing latch on with a Cabbage Patch doll.

Every woman, except for one, brought her husband. Exception girl brought her mom who was visiting from out of town. That’s fine. I am sure she was being as supportive as possible by coming to the class. Mom, however, became the class party pooper instantly. Upon the instructor informing us that breastfeeding is beneficial in many ways to women, especially because it reduces the risk of breast cancer, pooper raises her hand and says, “Well I breastfed five kids and I still got breast cancer.” Turning herself into the rule rather than the exception, she basically told all the wide-eyed first-time mothers in the room that if we breastfeed, we will, in fact, get breast cancer. I wanted to throw my Cabbage Patch doll at her and tell her to shut it. And apparently, so did the nurse teaching the class. She calmly, yet firmly replied, “Congratulations on beating breast cancer, but I only said it reduces the risk; it doesn’t eliminate it completely.” Score for the mammary teacher!

Since the mom/daughter feeding team was sitting next to me, I could hear the mother’s constant side notes to her daughter during the instruction and the video. “Oh I didn’t do that…that doesn’t work.” “That hurts—I wouldn’t do it that way.” Thank you, Milk Maid, but we came to learn from a lactation nurse with knowledge of current research and breastfeeding methods, not from the woman who last breastfed in the days when babies were spanked right after emerging from the hopper.

The other winner in the class was the girl who said she was afraid to buy a nursing bra. I guess I can see how little clips at the top of the bra cups can really stress you out.

24 June 2008

The "Potty" Awards

Following up to a previous post, I have decided to hand out an award for the Best Restroom during my 2007 to 2008 pregnancy. I have appropriately named it the “Potty.” “Pottys” are awarded based on a strict judging system in which I, armed with pregnant rage, use a public restroom and then gage my irritability after exiting said bathroom. My irritability, or lack thereof, is based upon the following criteria: (This list is not all-inclusive and can be changed without notice because it’s my award.)
  • Bathroom or stall size (private, one-room bathrooms receive preference)
  • Touchless flush, water, soap, and paper towels (touchless does require no spraying back at the user, simply a clean stream or flush—I’m glaring at you, Target toilets)
  • Doors that open out
  • Overall cleanliness and lack of “findings” on the toilet seat

    Preference will be given to those bathrooms with:
  • Extra décor matching the restaurant style
  • Lotions/perfumes/hairspray
  • Full-size mirrors
  • A bathroom attendant

Without further adieu, the winner of this pregnancy’s “Potty” award for the Best Restroom goes to…..Pawit’s Royal Thai Cuisine in Holladay! The restroom is not only clean, it has doors that open out, it’s private, and it’s clean. Lack of touchless amenities did knock it down a bit but the royal throne was redeemed by oriental décor, a trellis with flowers that blocks the view of the toilet from the door in case somebody busts in, large mirrors, smelly soap, and complimentary hand lotion. Congrats Pawits on your “Potty!”

23 June 2008

Memorandum Monday: To the Fallen Stars

To: Fallen Stars
From: Mar
CC: My Adoring Blog Readers
Date: 6/23/2008
Re: Your Reality TV Cable Stints

Congratulations to all of you for landing a hosting deal on a cable reality TV show!

Joey Lawrence, you have shed your luscious locks of mullet but you talk the same as during your Blossom days and we love how well you host Master of Dance on TLC. Riveting is your ability to explain the rules and introduce the judges in the exact same script from week to week, without variation or much personality. We are semi-rooting for you to make it through an entire first season and on to season 2.

Mario Lopez, sorry that the all-male version of The View didn’t work out for you but your stint as the host of America’s Best Dance Crew is inspiring and you currently are in Season 2 and kickin’ trash. What a good example you have set for Mr. Lawrence.

Joey Fatone, you were upstaged by Justin and then by Lance Bass’s coming out of the closet but you have managed to land a post as the co-host (not as good as host—sorry) on TLC’s The Singing Office. It has yet to air but we hope the best for your first season as you humiliate people in their office setting and then air it for all desperate TV watchers with cable access.

19 June 2008

976-CHAT Single and Ready to Mingle, Even at Age 12

When I was about 12 or so, my parents trusted me to stay home alone with my younger sister and have two friends over...what were they thinking? We called the 976-CHAT singles' line for fun and told people we were 35 because 35 sounded old and mature. Now it just sounds desperate to be calling a singles’ line. We thought nobody would find out until my dad got the phone bill for 99 cents a minute at 60 minutes. Needless to say, the friends' parents got a phone call and we split the bill between my friends, my sister, and me.

The lessons I learned are that you can’t hide bad things you do from your parents and you can meet special people via modern technology. Take it from the girl who met her man on the internets.

16 June 2008

Memorandum Monday

To: The Condo HOA
From: Mar
CC: My Adoring Blog Readers
Date: 6/16/2008
Re: Sprinkler Tips

Regarding last night’s watering session at the condominium complex, I, as an owner, have three tips:

1. To avoid wasting water and money, please refrain from using the sprinkler system at 6:00 pm when the temperature has reached 90 degrees.

2. To avoid watering ME while I walk on the sidewalk leading to my condo, please refrain from using the sprinkler system at 6:00 pm. Preggers here can’t run and no matter the pregnant hot flashes, I do not enjoy being sprayed in the face by the sprinklers because there is no dry way to get to my home.

3. Please water at night when, a) the heat doesn’t evaporate over 65% of the sprinkler water, and b) when people aren’t trying to exit or gain entrance to their homes.

09 June 2008

Memorandum Monday

To: The Waiter at Citris Grill
From: Mar
CC: My Adoring Blog Readers
Date: 6/9/2008
Re: Your Crappy Service

When my friends and I are seated for lunch, we have a few expectations. They aren't outlandish or anything that involves you peeling my grapes or bringing me three different entrees because this one is overdone or that one is not spicy enough. They are simple, straightforward, waitering techniques that any waiter, rookie or veteran, should be able to handle.

1. Don't wait for us to request, 15 minutes after being seated, that a waiter be sent to our table. Just come over say hi and take a drink order.

2. When my friend asks for a recommendation on your favorite dish, don't say, "I don't know what are you in the mood for?" Generally, if she is asking, that means she would like a recommendation and is willing to be a bit adventurous.

3. Don't, under any circumstance, walk past our table, look at our empty drink glasses, make eye contact with me, and not offer to refill them until I say, "Excuse me, can we get our drinks refilled?"

4. Generally, a decent waiter remembers what his patrons are drinking.

These four points, if carried out, should result in a happy customer as well as the minimum tip for you.

05 June 2008

Leave the Poop Out

My *favorite* thing about pregnancy is the birthing horror stories. These women should get together and write a book called 101 Things That Can Go Totally Wrong With Your Birth: Tales of Horror and Strife. It seems that the closer my belly gets to reaching the moon, the more people want to share how terrifyingly wrong their birth went. I have a sister who had a very scary birthing event so trust me, I know how it can go.

A few winners:
"My epidural only worked on half of my body and it numbed my entire right side rather than just from the waist down. So during birth I felt everything on my left side."

"I was all ready to give a natural birth when I passed out and woke up after a C-section and I couldn't move and they wouldn't bring me my baby."

"The epidural just didn't work. And then I was throwing up and pooping at the same time."

What are women trying to do to me? For some reason it seems more acceptable to share birthing horror stories than it is to share bathroom horror stories. Although probably severely less painful and what you would think to be less embarassing, women just can't talk about pooping in the toilet but they are all about telling you how they pooped during birth. Can somebody explain this to me?

02 June 2008

Memorandum Monday

Natalie, who adores me, my blog, and my ability to IM her all day while we are at work, read my last Memorandum and suggested that I make my memos more frequent, such as a “Memorandum Monday.” So I have decided to start the aforementioned segment and title it just as Natalie said. She can have the credit and if the segment fails, she can take the blame.

To: The Mispronouncing Citizens of this Nation
From: Mar
CC: My Adoring Blog Readers
Date: 6/2/2008
Re: Mispronunciations A-Go-Go

It has come to my attention over the years that many of you are mispronouncing the easiest of English words. As of today, it will no longer be tolerated. Words such as ibuprofen, February, and Wednesday will be overlooked because, regardless of their spelling, they have been mispronounced for ages and trying to fix that would be akin to converting to the metric system in the US.

Words, however, which are said as they are spelled will be recorded as a strike against you and will be reflected on your permanent record. Please refer to the following list, which is not comprehensive, nor in any order. Except the first three, which are so annoying that if said, you will incur double the strikes on your record.

Nuclear – not nuc-yaler
(Despite what Bush says)
Escape – not ex-scape
(I wonder if people are referring to some extreme landscaping competition in the X Games)
Especially – not ex-specially
(Sounds like something that used to be special and no longer holds such status)
Keep track – not keep tract
Ask – not aks
(Are you a contestant on Flava of Love? Speaking of said show, while flipping through channels last night, Ben and I actually heard a girl on Flava of Love refer to her kids as, “My’s skids”)
Height – not heighth
(It’s just not a word)
Florida – not Flar-ida
(I realize this is a regional accent thing in the US but it's intolerable)
Another – not nother
(As in “a whole nother hamburger”)
Prerogative – not perogative
(Thank you Bobby Brown for popularizing this word among teenagers in the early ‘90s, however nobody can say it correctly)

As stated above, this list is not comprehensive and can be amended at any time. If you would like to contribute to this list, please do so in the comments field below.